My Grieving Morning, with a happier ending =]
15 years ago today, the best man in my life was taken from me by cancer. I had watched him slowly go for months, but didnt know at that time that he was going to go this time. I just thought he was really sick, because he had always been sick in some way, in and out of hospitals.
I still remember the last moment I had with him very clearly, and when I found out. It was just a normal school morning for me, the only part I remember its Daddy smiling at me as usual, giving me a big bear hug and a kiss. We said "I love you" as we always did, and I was out the door, my brother taking me to the bus stop at the end of the driveway.
Many years I was mad about things, like not being able to see his last moments. Then a few years ago, I came to the thought that hey, he didnt want me to see him like that! That's why he "let go" right after I left for school. 8:21 AM was his time.
Next thing I remember, I was at recess with my friends. We were swinging on the swing set, trying to see who could jump out of the swings the farthest when in the air. I was about to do my i dunno how many it was jump when I saw someone comming out of the building. I'm always paranoid about someone from the office comming out, I was always getting in trouble.
I remember walking up the sidewalk, being told there was some one here to pick me up. To see my sister in law and not my mom shocked me. We went not too far off to where I thought she worked, but when we got in the building, I was CONFUSED. I saw family around me and my mom bawling. She saw me and tried to hold back her tears. I dont remember the words she said, but I remember going blank, and just crashing into her, and bawling. They brought him around on a streacher in a blue suit momma picked out. In my confused state, I thought he would actually rise and talk to me if I called him out. I was 8, the first time seeing a deceased person. In the past if there was a funeral, I was kept home.
I woke up this morning with the sinking feeling I always do, knowing what day it is. I gave the boys their cough meds, grabbed The Lion King, and said "Momma, I need 2 hours to myself" She just smiled and told me to "go on" I still remember the day he got me it... I had a VERY bad day at school, and just had my head bashed in by a high schooler on the bus. I was bawling down the drive way, then the froot door was locked. UGGGG! Went around the back door was mad, then when I got in the house, all was GOOD! A brand new VCR and The Lion King waiting for me!!! He had gotten it the day they put him on bed rest, his last act in the world. (was told years later that was the day they said he was going to go soon, nothing else they could do and to call hospice) We didnt have a VCR since I was a toddler since I had stuck an easter egg in it lmao. The thing that makes me giggle is I heard that was when The Lion King was being sold out of the stores, and he had to argue with an old lady for the last copy they had lol.
A LOT has happened between then and now. I had PTSD for a long while about it, and its not compleatly gone away, just a lot better handled. when I start to feel a flash back comming on, I do something else ASAP! This has been my best year, like things are finally starting to be normal again.
My daddy built this house before he passed, and didnt quite get to finish it. A room has been built in it since (took the living room in half), and the bathroom finally got a toilet when I was 13! This year has been very fruitful to this house. Family has helped thru the years here and there, and this year my cousin has been oober helping! the bathroom is finally painted and tiled, feels good to finally have a finished bathroom! Even the kitchen got a touch up -the cabinets that had been white since they were put up years ago are now "apple crunch" and there's tile on the ground. I hated the concrete underneath to clean, lol. Loving the tile!
Now that that part is done, there's still more! I still have to fix my flooring, which is the oldest. My bed room used to be our lil emergency made shack until he bult the bigger part on. I got 2 closests (one was a bathroom, still has the tub), the laundry area, and of course my area. Its plywood flooring, unlike the rest of the house that is concrete. Its also off the ground a lil, so I'm getting a lil nervous that another part of the floor will give, because I did have a very weak spot by my window under my bed, then one day after painting, my cousin was helping me move my dresser across the room, then foot met hole and then ground. I have a thick rug over it at the moment, under my bed, lol. At least its not noticable! After I get the new plywood for my floor, I'm getting magenta carpet :]
We're also fixing up the outside, it majorly needs it. Gonna get some new siding and new boarder boards. Needing to get new blades for the riding mower (today or tomorrow) to get this place looking nice! I've still got a pile of crap from the past 4 years in a burn pile to clean up (halfway there, getting there when I can) that Greg said he was going to do 3 years ago, but it just kept piling up. Oh well, he's not here anymore, I have no reason why I cant do it :] gotta get all the unburnable diapers out, ewwwwww. Thank God for thick work gloves and masks!
I'll be taking pictures of the new plants, bushes, and trees I planted wedensday once my BFF comes over with the camera charger we share. Its finally starting to look nice around here. Got a lot to go, but people are already seeing progress and in awe :]