This is soooo depressing for me. I always knew this time would come. I just kind of figured that I would be in on it. As the oldest of 7 children me being 28 and the youngest is 16. Then with all the cousins near the same age and even aunts and uncles in the same age group. I always knew that when the weddings hit it would be en mass and have one after another to go to. I just didn't count on being the odd one out.
I mean, I know. I made my choice. If I want to get married that bad I should just walk away from the relationship I'm in now and find someone who will. But, come on... ten years of looking for mister right and I never found anyone. The one time I got close he married someone else 2 weeks after we got our marriage license. When I found my boyfriend I felt attached to him right away. No explanation. I just knew we should be together and we are so crazy about each other it makes sense to be together. It makes sense to marry each other... to me. But, I gave that up to be with him. That was my choice. I have to live with that. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like someone is squeezing the life out of me every time I get another invitation in the mail. It doesn't mean that I don't see my boyfriend's comments about 'Marriage is just a piece of paper. What's the point spending all that money on the wedding when you have to turn around and spend twice as much on the divorce.' as total bogus. I know the real reason he won't ever marry me. He has been married before. He has been divorced. He doesn't feel the need to get married again because he has already been there done that.
Except that when we had been together about 6 months he had a different tale to tell. Granted he had just taken a pill for his headache (A REALLY STRONG ONE) and he told me that I made him want to take that chance again and he wanted to marry me. At the time I was like "It's only been 6 months! Give it time before rushing in." maybe I should have grabbed that train and hopped on because it wasn't long before he changed his tune. We had been together a year when I changed my mind and I didn't realize that marriage wasn't on the table anymore. We were walking down the street when I saw the dress I would wear. I'd never thought about weddings or marriage before then. But, suddenly there it was in a shop window telling me that it was the one. And I stopped and cooed that this was the dress for me. My boyfriend laughed and shook his head. "We aren't getting married... I'll love you forever and live with you and stay with you. But, we aren't getting married." I was floored. I didn't cry then. I didn't ask him why then. I just shook myself and managed something about well it was still a pretty dress. But, over the next few months I seethed with rage that he did that to me. He put it out there and then pulled it out from under me. And then turned marriage into his favorite joke. When any of his family get married he says "Good luck, I hope yours turns out better than mine did." When any of his family gets a divorce "Well, now you can say you've been there done that." When a spouse of a family member dies "Whew, I bet your glad you get the 'till death do us part' over with." One day I couldn't take it anymore and I made him talk to me. He just crossed his arms and told me it was what it was. I could stay or I could go... but don't mess with his heart and drag it out. I gave myself a week to think it through and in the end I felt that I can't be in a relationship without sacrifices. And that I'd found someone that treated me well and we get along so well. Why throw that away because he is so against marriage? So, I stepped out on a limb and made that choice. Now I have to live with it. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
And yes, I torture myself sometimes. I go onto theknot.com and plan my dream wedding that is never going to happen. I even have a wedding planning notebook in the back of my closet and I get wedding catalogs in the mail to cut pictures out of and add to my book of broken dreams as I've come to call it.
And when I get super drunk it all ends up spilling out. I know he knows how much it kills me. Heck, when HE is the one super drunk he often tells me how much it kills him to worry that I might leave him over it. Sometimes he says that if it wasn't for him being a single father and being stuck having to take care of his mom for a measly $600.00 a month that he would marry me because he knows that it would make me happy. But, that with his income the way it is he needs things like foodstamps and income taxes for single parents to get by. I don't know if he really would marry me if all that went away. I feel that if it was a someday kind of thing he should think about getting the engagement ring now so that I know it's coming. But, really... just because I get super truthful when I'm drunk doesn't mean he does.
So... I just have to suck it up. When the next invitation comes in the mail and my freaking 22 year old cousin walks down the isle I'll just have to deal. I made my bed. Now I got to go smother myself in it.